Born again in prison

Let’s go back to Aiud. The prison regime was harsh, the food wretched, the isolation harsh, the water in our cells freezing. The Major Magistrate terrorised us. No one, absolutely no power in the country or in the world supported us.

Then we discovered Christ spiritually. Although we studied a lot, our main concern was our souls. We prayed a lot, we confessed to each other our state of mind and our striving for perfection. We became aware of our sins and wept bitterly for both our personal faults and the sins of the community. We have endeavoured to live in a Christian way, knowing that man must examine his soul until death, whether he is in Christ or not.

The discovery of Christianity inspired the best among us, but not without negative and brutal reactions, because among the legionaries there were many currents and divisions.

As for me, one might think that I came to Christ because of the suffering specific to the state of isolation, but the truth is quite different. My desire for purity and perfection hid in my heart some sins of my youth that I did not like and that I could not confess, although they were too common, I was ashamed of the hidden sin. So there was a contrast within me, a conflict between the God I believed in and the sinful man I was.

Things got worse the day I suffered a great defeat of the pride in me, so that, ashamed of myself, I could say to myself, “I am a scoundrel!” and I felt the need to confess myself openly before everyone, out of a thirst for humility, without which I felt I was not in God, a humility I had never had before. So I went to my first real confession, guided by a good confessor and supported with zeal by a group of friends with whom I shared spiritual concerns.

I began to discover the spiritual treasures of Orthodoxy and was inspired. Light was shining in me. I had a period of self-enclosure where I was only concerned with myself. My ego died to itself and lived in Christ. The mystical, spiritual, religious atmosphere was now within me. I eliminated sins with ease because light was flooding into me. Virtue was not a principle, it was light and life, it was the ever fuller forming of Christ in me.

I was guided by the Philokalia and the Holy Scriptures. Everything beautiful and good flooded my soul. I was amazed by so much beauty. I saw the world in a new light. I was overwhelmed with joy. I was experiencing birth again, real, gradual and silent.

(John Ianolide – Return to Christ. Document for a New World, Bonifaciu Publishing House, Bacău, 2012, pp. 39-40)