“Only Jesus Christ I want to show”

I am 64 years old. From 1941 to 1964 I was in prison, tortured and ridiculed, first under the Antonescu dictatorship, then under the communists.

I confessed Christ all my life, and in 1944 I worshipped Him completely. I have always confronted materialism, whether bourgeois or communist. I have compared and confronted the Christian faith with Islam, Buddhism, Confucianism and, of course, Talmudic Judaism. I have compared Orthodoxy with Roman Catholicism, Protestantism and Neo-Protestantism. I’ve struggled with atheism.

For about 5 years I was in total isolation, starving and naked. For more than 15 years I lived in communal rooms – some smaller, some larger; I lived there, day and night, forced like everyone else to use the “tent” for physical necessities (a kind of hut). Sometimes eight inmates were crammed into a 61/2 square foot cell, sleeping two, three or four to a bed. Our bodies and souls rubbed against each other at all times. The terror of the guards, the hunger, the cold and the sickness seemed almost bearable compared to the horror that reigned among the diverse, desperate and often decomposed human beings.

I spent two years working on the farm. It was slave labour and we were hungry and naked. We worked in vineyards and vegetable gardens, but we were starving because we were strictly forbidden to taste any fruit or vegetables. For more than 20 years I was always hungry and often dystrophic from malnutrition. I was cold all those years in prison. I was beaten, tormented and tortured for years in order to destroy my physical and mental resistance. I knew first hand the terrible realm of living below the limits of the bearable. For years I was threatened with death. The ‘soul’ in me was constantly being demanded. I was often offered life, but I preferred the prospect of death to save my soul, my conscience, my integrity – and only God kept me from collapsing. There is no human being who can endure all these torments.

For many years – many years, about 15 years – I was terrorised by the spectre of “re-education” for the purpose of my “restructuring” and “brainwashing”. Only God’s care saved me. I endured terror at the hands of the prison guards, but even more so at the hands of informers and assassins from among the prisoners themselves, who had sided with the political authorities. I met disappointed people with devilish expressions on their faces, committing demonic acts. I was surrounded by an atmosphere of demonic fellowship that oscillated between evil and criminality. I cared for dying people: some desperate, some in a state of rebellion, some calm. I saw “saints” radiating light, dying in a heavenly atmosphere. I listened to professors, scholars, men of letters – and I learned more than in a university. I met communists, I met Jews in prison, I met some of those who had been in power. I even nursed the general who was president of the military tribunal that sentenced me. I was given the task of closing his eyes. He too had been thrown into prison after serving his masters.

I knew bourgeois and communists both as free men and as prisoners. And I have examined them all with the Spirit of Christ in whom I have tried to live all my life. At the end of this bitter experience, only Christ remains alive in me, whole and eternal…

Today is the 31st anniversary of Valeriu’s death. I went to church to confess. On Sunday I will receive Communion. On this day I found that holiness is built into my being so that nothing can separate me from it. It is the happiest day of my life, even though on that day the most precious man I have ever known died. He is the one who on that day gave me the happy and blessed state that has accompanied me all my life. I was so happy that I wanted eternal life more than the spiritual fullness I felt that day. I was, and of course Valeriu was, perfectly lucid, normal and aware of everything that was happening. He was full of grace. Christ was in him and I could share in his blessed state of holiness. A state of spiritual intensity filled him completely. Eternity was seen in time, in the moment. Happiness came from suffering itself. Everything was bathed in an unearthly light. My soul was filled with peace. My body was light. Under my feet I felt something like an energy field, a kind of vibration that held me to the earth. Of happiness – I cried. I could see into the spirit: I saw the sky opening in the immeasurable depth of Valeriu’s eyes. I felt the Holy Spirit working and speaking through him. In his physical weakness and exhaustion I felt the divine power of another plane of existence. I thought I was in “heaven”. I also thought that I was close to Jesus Christ, because Jesus Christ was in Valeriu. Valerius’ faith also gave me strength.

The saving call of the man who had died gave wings to my confession. Valeriu’s love made me completely subject to the love of Christ. I know and feel that Valeriu accompanies me and helps me in all the work of discerning the two “worlds” in which we live and which are in perfect unity in the divine plan. My life is Christ. My mind desires and seeks only the will of God. My hope is in the joy of His promises. I am aware of the messianic nature of the Christian faith and I want to serve it perfectly until my death. I love people and follow the way of the cross for their salvation. I love life, but only in the perspective of eternity; that is why I prefer to die rather than suffer any degradation of my soul or conscience. I am well aware that I am in a battle with great forces that can crush me, and I pray to God to give me wisdom, strength and protection.

Although I am physically ill and my nerves are hypersensitive, my mind is sound and whole and my thinking is clear. I have deliberately withdrawn from the world because the people of the world sting and attack me and I cannot defend myself against them otherwise. I can only serve through prayer, love, meditation and witness. I serve to keep my soul whole and intact. I wish to have a Christian ending. I am fully aware that I have accumulated significant divine human experience and therefore have a duty to leave a legacy. I am not fond of vain glory and eager to show off my own self; I only want to show off Jesus Christ.

I live alone, isolated, in silence. I see the spiritual, political, economic and military disaster the world is in and I don’t think it can be avoided. The world will suffer forever from its misguidance until it opens its mind to receive God’s truths, to have the faith of authentic witness. I want to do my duty fully. We know that the world is included in God’s plan of salvation. I believe. I love. I hope.

Today, just as thirty-one years ago, I feel close to Valeriu and, with him, close to our Lord Jesus Christ.

(John Ianolide – Return to Christ. Document for a New World, Bonifaciu Publishing House, Bacău, 2012, pp. 17-18)