Renouncing God. The fall.

When the method of torture for the “reading” of thoughts filled the cup of despair and madness to the brim, by denying God and the true faith, which remained our only and last support, we reached total collapse.

We were thrown into chaos, unbalanced, without support and without perspective, at the discretion of those who tortured us. This had dire consequences for what we were to see and experience in another of Satan’s cities, Gherla.

At the beginning of August 1951, when the public and written testimonies were almost finished and the torture of “mind reading” had reached the level foreseen in the occult plans, Țurcanu went from room to room with the expression of a satisfied demon, and I heard him repeat that by tempting and deceiving the strong and faithful, he could roll them into the mire.

“You bandits, remember well what I said in this room as well as in the other rooms, that I am not joking, that I will keep my word and use every method to achieve my intended goal. And now, by the methods I have used, we have come to read your minds, which you never expected”.

“But I would like to point out to you that the most dangerous of you bandits remain those who confess their faith in God. And I am convinced that those who have not renounced their faith in God have not renounced the Legion. They are the most dangerous, the most hardened and the most incarnate Legionaries”.

“That is why, for these people, the unmaskings will continue for years to come, as you have known them, but with different methods. We must remove from your minds and hearts, once and for all, this aberration, the faith in God”.

Then he asked us: “Who among you bandits still believes in God?

Almost half the room raised their hands. Faced with this situation, Țurcanu continued: “I also have methods for you, those of you who have raised your hands, to say that you have renounced the faith, just as you said that you had renounced the Legionary Movement”.

Then he addressed Zachariah: “Come to my house and see what you have to do with these bandits.

For the truly faithful, this last statement of Țurcanu was the greatest possible threat, which no one expected. We were about to be struck in what was dearest and most precious to us, our only support – our faith in God, the hope of our deliverance from Satan’s clutches.

People who do not believe in God are not interested in the question of salvation, because they are so attached to this material world, to earthly goods, to social positions, to the pleasures and satisfactions of this life, that only death can separate them from them.

But for those who believe in God, in salvation and eternal life, without being bound to the earth, the greatest tragedy is when they are forced to confess whether or not they still believe in God.

People like the Holy Fathers and the Martyrs would have preferred death a thousand times to denying God and faith in Him. But some of us have come up with the justification that if the great Apostle Peter, who believed and loved Jesus without limit, denied Him out of fear, what should we, helpless microbes, do?

These were the words of those who had formally denied God, just as they had denied the Legion. And if the young people who passed through Pitești seem to have behaved in much the same way, when we look more closely, the situation changes completely.

It is true, however, that because of the unbearable tortures, many have even renounced God. But their repudiation was short-lived. Eventually, through repentance, they returned to Christ.

I am not one of those who have categorically affirmed that they believe in God, but neither am I one of those who have denied Him. And the reader has become acquainted with my opinion, that man is bound in all circumstances of his life to try.

But I had no merit, my thoughts and attitude were inspired in me by God, and the attempt had to be carried to the limit of endurance. I believed and hoped only in the mercy and help of God, who kept me from becoming a bully and a murderer in the Pitești unmaskings.

When I was asked by Zachariah whether or not I still believed in God, for the first and last time in my life I had a darkening of the mind and a wandering that no one could understand but me, the one who experienced it. Who clouded my judgment in that moment? I could not discern what satanic thoughts clouded my conscience and mind.

God then tried to give me the opportunity, before this last trial, to confess openly and without fear my faith in Him. But I did not ask for His help, to enlighten my mind and conscience, and then I hesitated to confess wholeheartedly.

Those who imagine that in exceptional trials they can cope by their own strength alone, are mistaken and will deceive themselves to the end of the world. Didn’t Jesus say: “Without Me you can do nothing”?

That’s why, when I didn’t cry out and beg for God’s help, I collapsed. And my collapse was great, because Satan tormented my soul and tortured me for three years.

When Zechariah asked me what was wrong with my faith, a thought that was not mine and not from God took hold of me and whispered, “Say you no longer pray to God!” And so I also uttered, publicly, in room 3 basement: “I no longer pray, I no longer pray to God”. And, from that moment on, I stopped saying my prayer.

The consequence of breaking communion with God through prayer was that the spirit of Satan entered me and tortured from August 1951 until Easter 1954. Let me make it clear that I said I stopped praying, not that I stopped believing in God.

My great sin, however, was that I did not really pray. A mistake made all the more serious by the fact that I should have thought of the holy words: “Watch and pray lest Satan tempt you”.

Prayer, according to the Holy Fathers, is the communion of the believer with God. Through it, man communicates with God, adores Him, glorifies Him, thanks Him, tells Him about his troubles and sorrows, asks Him for forgiveness, asks Him for help and mercy, and so on.

In the chapter on Gherla, for those who believe in God and miracles without limit, I will describe what it meant to me to break away from God and then to re-establish communion with Him through prayer.

I will never forget them and I see as mountains before me all those who had the strength, courage, faith and manliness to fearlessly affirm their faith in God. Perhaps that is why the great stars in the sky shine and are seen, while others, small and powerless, pass into the darkness of oblivion.

In mid-August, Zachariah left the room, no longer the head of the torture committee, and his fixed position on the prism came to an end. The beatings also stopped. But I was afraid that after this apparent silence, a terrible storm was brewing. And so it was in Gherla.

In mid-September, a small part of us went to the canal, some to the lead mines in Maramureș and others to Gherla.

If, as I write these memories, I am given the choice between death and Pitești, I confess with all my heart and with the fear of God that I would prefer death a thousand times over. And I believe that all my comrades who are still alive and who have passed through that fortress of Satan in Pitești think the same. What more open and sincere confession could satisfy the reader of these lines?

(Dumitru Bordeianu – Confessions from the Swamp of Despair)