The conversion to Christianity of Nicolae Steinhardt

It was towards the end of February 1960, when my trial had already taken place at the Bucharest Military Tribunal and I had been sentenced to 7 years’ imprisonment. I have not yet received the sentence.

In the middle of the night, a number of prisoners, blindfolded, were taken in a van from the Uranus Securitate to Jilava Prison.

The moment of reception and passing through the gate was important.

Here, too, I enter the main gate, through which I have the good fortune to pass for the second time (in prison). The first time was in 1949, and now I was in Jilava prison.

After the rattle of the guards’ guns and the frowning faces, after the curses and beatings, there followed the thorough strip search. Then we were led to the cell, barefoot, in the snow, with only the most essential things on us.

A guard led me down a dark and narrow corridor. The guard opened a door and invited me inside. At first it seemed to be an empty cell, but between the beds I noticed a person in a white coat, happy not to be alone.

Soon the number of prisoners in our cell began to increase by the day. All the beds are taken. I was on the first floor because there were bunk beds.

In the middle of the night I noticed that one of the prisoners was without a bed and I waved to him. I said: “Come up to me!” This person, whom I did not know, was happy that someone was looking after him and that he could rest in a bed. He thanked me: “Thank you very much, with much affection,” he said.

As we got to know each other better, a good friendship developed between us and I got to know him by name. He was Mr. Nicolae Steinhardt, a respectful man with good manners. He belonged to the group of writers in Bucharest, which included Constantin Noica, Alexandru Paleologu, Sergiu Al. George, etc. He was the only Jew among them.

In the cells we passed through there were priests of various denominations, Roman Catholics, Orthodox priests, Calvinist pastors, evangelists, Unitarians, Baptists, Adventists, Jehovah’s Witnesses. But none of them has he clung to so closely.

Without wishing to boast, I must say that there, as far as God’s grace helped me, I also helped sick prisoners, gave them massages, rubbed them down, I was by their side. I served those who couldn’t carry themselves anymore in bed with the food I received.

Moreover, wherever I went – whether in the work colonies or in the prisons where I stayed – I was the garrison priest.

At his request, without any fuss, I administered baptism with the spoken formula:

“Nicholas, the servant of God, is baptised in the name of the Father – Amen – and of the Son – Amen – and of the Holy Spirit – Amen”.

Shortly after the baptism, on 11 March 1961, we separated and did not meet again until 1964, the year of our release, in Gherla prison.

We wanted to meet under different conditions.

We were in the monastery of Saints Peter and Paul in Huși, where he visited me and where he wanted to stay. But I couldn’t get the priest to understand.

I told him to go to His Eminences Theophilus and Justinian of Cluj.

Thus, on my recommendation, Mr. Nicolae Steinhardt was received at the Rohia Monastery, where he found his role as a scholar and writer, taking care of the monastery library, keeping in touch with the Writers’ Union and the Romanian Academy, and especially with the writer Ioan Alexandru, a man of Christian soul and thought. An important moment was my last meeting with him, on the penultimate day of his suffering, 29 March 1989, before he died in the hospital of Baia Mare.

Here are some thoughts of intimate confession:

He told me: “Dear Father, my thoughts tell me that God has not forgiven me for the sins I have committed in my youth, in my life, and I will go and stand before the Righteous Judge and be severely condemned for all my iniquities”.

I tried to reassure him and at the same time convince him that these dark thoughts of despair were the whispers of the devil: “God forgave you when you confessed your sins and received Baptism, because through baptism original sin and all personal sins are washed away. When you confessed and decided to repent and did so, God forgave your sins through the absolution given by the confessor in the name of the Holy Trinity. By entering monasticism you have made another act of repentance. You have renounced the worldly spirit and nourished yourself with spiritual food and lived a life of piety in brotherhood and love and with a gentle soul. Why do you still doubt that the Good Lord has not forgiven you? Stop listening to Satan’s whispers! For “those who fear the Lord are like a holy mountain and have no fear of Satan’s traps”.

(Fr. Mina Dobzeu)