The temptation of martyrdom
Fr. Nicolae Steinhardt:
“We all know the temptation of the left—it comes from the passions, from vice, from evil.
But there is also one on the right; it is more surprising. It comes from virtues and qualities, from the desire to do good.”
Interviewer:
— What were the fruits of prayer there, in prison?
Fr. Gheorghe Calciu:
— The greatest fruit was that through prayer my spirit was calmed. I was not afraid; I endured everything that happened to me. Without prayer, I wouldn’t have resisted—I would surely have gone mad.
I decided never to compromise, and to do that, I had to think that I would either stay in prison forever or be killed. In that situation, without prayer, I would have lost my mind. Prayer was balm for my heart.
Interviewer:
— Did you have any demonic temptations connected with prayer? For example, feeling evil presences that tried to keep you from praying?
Fr. Calciu:
— No, not in my heart. But what I do think was the work of demons were those insults from the guards and their attempts to disturb me. Nothing direct ever attacked me.
But I did have a temptation—and lately I’ve allowed myself to believe it was a snare of the evil one. I had the temptation of martyrdom.
I began to pray for God to give me death. There was a kind of exaltation in me…
This went on for some time, until the angel said to me:
“Don’t you see that you’re committing a sin?”
Interviewer:
— You mean the angel warned you with a thought—you didn’t see him?
Fr. Calciu:
— The angel—not just a thought. It was the angel. I spoke to him.
Interviewer:
— Through prayer?
Fr. Calciu:
— Through prayer.
Interviewer:
— So you understood then that what you were doing was wrong?
Fr. Calciu:
— Yes. It was a great sin that came from pride.
I had this thought of pride, though not consciously. I was thinking about martyrdom, about death, and how the world would finally know of me—that I would die a martyr…
And I prayed to God for martyrdom, but it never came!
I think I was tormented by this thought for a few months.
And the Security men, when I refused to sign pardon petitions, said exactly that:
“Oh, you want to die in prison? You want to be a martyr? You won’t die in prison!”
Or they would mock me: “Oh, you want to be a martyr, to be remembered in the Church?”
I think that’s what finally woke me up, because I began to think more deeply.
After that, I received the light of Christ and realized how much I had been sinning.
Interviewer:
— When you had this temptation of martyrdom, weren’t you also tempted by thoughts of judgment—against those who weren’t involved, like the hierarchy?
Fr. Calciu:
— Yes, I had such thoughts, but they passed quickly. They bothered me more in the seminary, when I began the Seven Words action.
Then I suddenly found myself thrown back into an old world in which I had once lived—not one with the same suffering, but with more cunning than the other.
And yes, I did have some bitter thoughts… Especially since, as I said before, I loved Roman very much. Knowing that he had entered the monastery as a child and had lived a good monastic life, I was sure he would join us.
So I had a grudge against him. I loved him—and I think he loved me too—but he didn’t commit himself.
He didn’t even have to do much—just a little, enough to give us a chance.
I’m convinced that if he had supported me even a little, I wouldn’t have been arrested and taken to prison.
But then I got rid of that thought quickly, because I began to focus more on my inner state—on my relationship with the Securitate, and especially with my own soul.
I put aside the thought of judging others. At first, I was more hardened against the hierarchs, but later I had no such feeling at all.
Interviewer:
— You realized they couldn’t really do anything?
Fr. Calciu:
— Yes. They couldn’t do more.
I realized that human weakness is immense.
As His Holiness Anthony said: not everyone has the substance of a martyr—not even hierarchs, not even priests.
And so, I bowed before human helplessness and said to myself:
“I’ll go alone.”
(From Fr. Gheorghe Calciu – The Life of Father Gheorghe Calciu According to His Own Testimony and That of Others)